Complaint #003: Fantasy Football

Given that today is the first full day of football, I thought this subject would be apropos. A subject of great contention lately (and I may have already complained about it a bit), so I thought I would flesh out all of my issues with it. My focus is going to be on fantasy football, but you can feel free to apply my complaints to any fantasy sport.

First off, football, in and of itself, is exciting enough. Fantasy players always argue that fantasy makes football exciting and packs every game with meaning. I'm sorry, I may be crazy, but what games have you been watching? There is nothing that can compete with Sundays in the fall, and I contend, nothing that can make them more special (as far as football goes). I would argue that, if you can't find excitement in football, you're taking it for granted. But, seeing that excitement is an intangible, subjective quality I will refrain from counting this one against the fantasy players.

But there's plenty more! Fantasy may or may not affect the intrinsic excitement value of a football game, but it certainly can take away the excitement of a game. I won't even refer to the sadness that comes directly from receiving a disappointing performance by a fantasy player on your team. No, for this point, I'll complain about the people who have a fantasy foot ball team. This past week I was talking with someone who had a few friends over to watch the opening game. All of these people were Packers fans, so they should have all been happy that the Packers won the game, right? Um, that would be a "no". It's a "no" because two of these "friends" (I'm putting them in quotes now, because they'd definitely lose some friend points from me) had competing fantasy players: Drew Brees and the Packers defense. That meant that there was someone complaining on every New Orleans offensive play. Not only that, but another "friend" elected to not play Jordy Nelson and so every pass he caught apparently warranted a complaint. Because of this, the person I was talking with, who, as a smart man, does not play fantasy football, had a less than pleasant time watching the game. Let me reiterate: all of these people were Packers fans, the Packers won the game, and no one had a great time.

That brings up another point: the need to cheer for bitter rivals. I'm currently watching the Steelers getting their rears handed to them by the Ravens. The amount of pure, passionate rage that is filling my being right now is overwhelming (luckily, nothing makes you have a good workout run than rage). I would be disgusted at myself if I ever cheered for a Raven to do well. I want them to lose every single game by a million points. I wish poor play on so many teams: the other division rivals: Bengals and Browns, the Patriots, the Raiders, the Jets, the Eagles, the Cowboys, and I'm sure there are many others. As for the other teams, I almost never wish them well as it means the relative quality compared to the Steelers is compromised. I find it disturbing that a Cowboys fan would be happy that he (or she) was able to draft Michael Vick, a Jets fan finds pleasure in getting to draft Tom Brady, a Colts fan would gladly draft Arian Foster, and the list continues.

This also leads to the following situation: cheering for a player of whom your favorite team is facing. Again, I wish the Steelers would win every single game in a thousand-point shutout victory. I would not ever want to give a single yard to an opposing player. Switch over to someone who plays fantasy: "I hope my team (let's say the Packers) wins like 48-42 and Calvin Johnson gets six touchdowns." Certain four-letter words come to mind (and a few others of varying length). And you want to know what I hope? I hope Calvin Johnson does get those six touchdowns and your Packers lose 42-0.

The most questionable aspect of fantasy football doesn't even have to do with the people who choose to participate in it (as much as I question their intelligence and commitment to the integrity of football). What I don't understand the most is the fact that fantasy points are a poor representation of a good football player. From what I hear, Michael Vick had the most fantasy points last season. That I find laughable. I wouldn't have been surprised if Tom Brady, who did phenomenally last year, also had a great fantasy point value last year. And yet, I bet you each of them would, in a heartbeat, trade positions with Aaron Rodgers, heck probably even Ben Roethlisberger. Let me take another few sentences to beat up on Mike Vick: Sure, he had a few impressive performances last season, but the man is not a great QB. First off, he only plays about 11.5 games a year because his bones are apparently made of peanut brittle (that, and the fact that he runs around the field (admittedly, better than any other QB (probably)) risking getting pummeled by Demarcus Ware too many times (also, can you tell that I like stacking parenthetical comments?)). Not only that, but if you do manage to contain him, you can have your way with the Eagles. The Vikings, led by Joe freaking Webb, proved that last season. But enough Vick bashing. He gets more than enough of that from people who are unable of forgiving a man of his sins even after his time has been served, he has apologized, and, so far as we know, he has given up such practices. Fantasy lumps together an entire team's defense, and defense, as we know, is more important than offense (cliché "Offense wins games, defense wins championships" quote here). James Harrison deserves more fantasy points by himself than, I don't know, Rob Bironas (or, insert some other football player here). On top of this, a clutch player gets no recognition. Aaron and Ben, for the postseason they each had, should have gotten mad fantasy points, except fantasy ends just when the season starts to matter. This is probably a good thing, as it would likely ruin an even greater thing than football itself: playoff football.

So excuse me if I don't participate in fantasy football. Excuse me if I have a little less respect for you if you tell me you play fantasy football. I'll just sit back, relax, and enjoy my football. You have fun with your aggravating, incredibly inaccurate representation of the game, but don't come talking to me about it. Also, please don't take me too seriously, I still love you guys (I think) :)