Complaint #012: College Football

I'll admit it, I'm a bit lazy on Saturdays. I feel like I've earned it after a grueling week at work (where I sit in a chair and type away at a computer all day (grueling, ain't it?)). Either way, I don't do terribly much on that day of the week, maybe a little grocery shopping, maybe go out on a run, most probably some music listenin', and some TV watchin'. This is where the problems come in. Sometimes I'll watch a movie, but I always end up turning on some good ol' American cable television (though not necessarily a cable television channel). I'm a football fan, and at this point in the year, it is only natural to turn on some football. Saturday, however, only offers college football, the red-headed stepchild of real football (not that "red heads" and stepchildren are any worse than non-"red headed" humans or non-stepchildren, but it is the cliché phrase I'm choosing).

I'll get the oft complained-about aspects out of the way first. I watched a majority of the LSU-Alabama game yesterday. For those who are unaware, currently LSU is ranked #1 in the country and Alabama is #2. The game made it incredibly clear that these two teams are fantastically evenly matched. The progression of scores in the game was 0-0, 0-3 Alabama, 3-3, 3-6 Alabama, 6-6 (end of regulation), 9-6 LSU (in overtime). Does anyone think these two teams aren't as equal as two teams can be? If one hundred games were played between them, the probability distribution of games won by either team would be normal. However, even though LSU was ranked #1 and Alabama was ranked #2 and Alabama played as close to LSU as possible, Alabama, simply because they have a loss on their record, will not be ranked #2 when the new rankings come out this week. Likely it will go to OSU or Stanford (or if we're feeling really crazy, Boise State). I don't want to detract from what those teams have done, but Alabama is clearly still the second best team in the country. They're in the SEC (the Michael Jordan/pre-Thanksgiving-Incident Tiger Woods/Jimmie Johnson/Yankees conference of college football) and they've recorded one game where they didn't win by at least two full touchdowns (and by "full" I mean touchdowns with two point conversions tacked on the end). Obviously, that one game they didn't win by at least sixteen was that LSU game yesterday. Anyone who thinks they aren't number two (hehe, number two (whoa, that's incredibly immature, shame on me)) can write his/her congress(wo)man because I don't want to hear it.

But enough of my Alabama lovefest up there (I was actually rooting for LSU, I'm just defending Alabama because they deserve it), the other big problem we have is the Championship Game. I'll ignore the fact that it changes its name every year (annoying) and focus on what everyone who has ever seen a sporting event has been saying for years: we need a playoff system for college football. It is very likely that Alabama (again, despite being the second-best college team) will not be able to compete for the championship. Boise State will likely go undefeated through the entire year and will not be able to compete for the trophy. The sensible American way of determining the best football team in the country is a set number of one-off games with elimination on the line in every one. These games must ultimately culminate in a game involving two teams, that have not lost in the playoff, playing for a championship. (Also, this elimination tournament must begin with greater than two teams) Every team must be able to control their own destiny from the beginning of the season. Who knows if the 2008 Utah Utes were better than the Gators? Who knows if Boise State could beat LSU in a championship game this year? It's only fair to give everyone that shot (assuming they can put together a fairly decent regular season record (at the very least, undefeated should be good enough to have a try at the championship)).

OK, let's get down to the on-the-field problems, the ones that tick me off when I'm watching on an arbitrary Saturday. The first issue I run into is finding a game that matters. Normally there are two choices of games to watch on Saturday: the Northern Central Wyoming Bricklayers vs. the Alaska Bull Worms or Wisconsin vs. Greg State's Flying Pillowcases. Occasionally I happen upon a game with two teams that matter.

I say "teams that matter", but it is only with respect to other college football teams. And I say "football", but that's only because it is referred to as such in our culture, not because it is similar to the real football played in the NFL. Where I come from, football is referred to as a game (I just used the phrase "referred to" in two consecutive sentences). Games are supposed to be good-natured and fun. College football referees (along with the rules put in place by college football authorities) are placed on the field to suck as much fun out of the game as possible. Case in point: touchdown celebrations. Provided that it isn't obnoxiously gaudy, it is kosher in the NFL. However, in college football, if you enjoy the fact that you scored a touchdown, it's a penalty (if you want proof, view this video of LSU's Brad Wing not getting a touchdown).

But, let us assume that "taunting" before a touchdown somehow gives an unfair advantage to the celebrating team, and let us focus on the pansy rules of college. First is the one-foot rule. In the arbitrary definition of body parts that constitute being down in the field of play in the NFL, there exists one element in that set that is universally pertinent in every out-of-bounds play: a pair of feet. Two feet. Humans are born with two feet (well, the vast majority of them (unfortunately not all)) therefore it makes sense that two feet must be downed in the field of play, as they are our main contact points with the ground. In college, only one foot is required to land in bounds for an in-bounds play.

Personally, the more frustrating rule difference is the any-contact-with-the-ground-constitutes-a-dead-ball rule. I assume this is the name of the rule and I assume it is a real rule because recently I've seen a number of plays involving it. Football is a game of attaining goals/defending goals from being attained. The goal is to take a token (the ball) into a specified region of the field with a specified set of moves under certain conditions within the field of play. Let's say you're Indiana Jones trying to take some artifact to the outside of a cave à la Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you contact the ground, but are not caught, should you not be able to get up and continue to scurry to the safe outdoors? It makes sense that you should, much like in the NFL. However, in college football, at least I've seen this happen a few times in the past few weeks, if you catch a pass/catch an interception/gain the handling responsibilities of the token in some way and go to the ground afterwards, whether a defender of the goal catches you or not, you are down.

If anyone can explain the purpose of these rules, or tell me anything else that would relieve my pain of watching college football, please do so below.