Complaint #024: Telephones

This is likely just a post to satisfy my own hatred for telephones, but maybe you as well have these issues and can assure me that I'm not a complete oddity.

I enjoy talking with people. I wouldn't characterize myself as a social person, but I wouldn't say I'm anti-social either. I enjoy discussing the things I am interested in with others, and, just in general, I enjoy keeping in touch with people's lives (for the few people who care to share it with me). This is true until I pick up the phone to talk to someone, and I'd like to logically explain why.

Written forms of communication are the best ways to communicate with others. When you are forced into an audible conversation with someone, the chances to mess up grow exponentially. When you write, you are given time to think through every response and you have the ability to delete anything that may not have the effect you intended (as long as you do so before you send it). I cannot count the times (and the number may be uncountable (haha, set theory joke)) that I have typed something and deleted it because I realized it would be the dumbest phrase ever uttered by a human. Of course, there is one caveat: You cannot relay tone in a written conversation.

Not every conversation can be carried out through text or email (unfortunately) so we are forced to audibly interact. I realize that, and, in fact, occasionally prefer it. A robot like me, you would suspect, always prefers to calculate the correct response in every conversation prior to responding, but personal conversations are much more appropriately handled in a personal manner (who'd have thought?). I recall several conversations I have had that I shook my head at the fact that they were being held over Facebook chat or text rather than in person. But I digress.

My main point I mean to make about face-to-face conversation is that it is one thousand times better than phone conversation. My main struggle is the fact that I am deaf. Not literally deaf as in cannot hear, but my ability to hear seems to be far below normal human levels (I can't absolutely know, because I can only hear as well as myself (also, I don't have one of those sweet elementary school hearing test machines or a person to test against myself)). This deafness is less of an issue in normal conversation for a few reasons: the person's voice is not being shoved into a wire and transmitted into outer space before reaching me, and I'm able to look at the lips of someone talking to me (look up the McGurk effect to see how much sight affects hearing (this video is pretty sweet too)). In this way I reduce the amount I ask "What?" from half of the time to one third of the time (another reason written communication is better: if you know how to read it is much more difficult to misunderstand what someone is saying).

Let me also point out that my brain is allergic to phones. I have recently learned this at my job as I've noticed a substantial drop in IQ whenever I pick up a phone. This is a personal problem, and likely doesn't relate to anyone else in the universe, but I felt the need to mention it. It may be linked to the fact that I am far from being spontaneous and talking on the phone requires an instant response to the caller's speech. However, if this were the case, I should be just as idiotic while speaking to someone in person. Other people can feel free to refute the following claim (they're likely more correct), but I don't think I'm much dumber in face-to-face conversation as compared to written communication.

There is, however, one person I must address before I conclude this topic, in the chance that she may be offended. Let me address her personally: Mother, I do look forward to my call to you every week. In a perfect world, I wouldn't be forced to use that hideous device to converse with you, but alas, it must be so. I hope you have a great week, and I look forward to speaking again next Sunday :)

Complaint #016: Hold Music

I know, I know, I know; this is an incredibly cliché subject about which to complain, but I figure I would tackle something easy after last week. And what an easy subject this is. Let me start out by saying that I don't mind having to wait on a call (for a reasonable amount of time). If your business doesn't have the manpower to maintain customer service for immediate help to all who call in, I must realize that the money saved in not hiring more personnel is probably (maybe, hopefully) used to reduce my bills. I don't necessarily think it's a great business model, but I'm not a businessman so my opinion is probably as useful as a sword in a gunfight (Indiana Jones fans will be familiar with how useless this is).

I am most offended by what I am forced hear while I am on hold. Again, I don't want to get into an argument concerning musical taste, so I'll just point out a few things that can be objectively measured. That being said, I don't think I've ever heard hold music that I actually recognized. Usually it's some obscure classical or whiny pop-folk (both genres of music of which I have song/compositions that I enjoy). This, of course, is predicated on the assumption that the music can be heard, which, more often than should be, is not the case. Again assuming that the music can be heard, the quality is never good. That is an understatement. Let me illustrate how terrible the recording quality is: I notice it. For those who need context, let me explain that despite the enormous amount of music to which I listen, I am fairly deaf to compression quality. I couldn't tell that difference between 128 kbit/s MP3 and FLAC (or 24/96 WAV for that matter).

Main point: Companies should just put me on silent hold while they transfer my call around. I would be less likely to jam pencils in my earholes while waiting.